5 Secrets to Making a Marriage Thrive (Part 1)

Aleasha and I’s first year of marriage was bliss. We focused on each other, playing games to see who could out serve the other. I was still in graduate school, so our responsibilities were minimal. We also had the support of family and friends nearby. It was the calm before the storm.

A year later, we were pregnant with our firstborn. Prior to our daughter’s birth, I needed to complete my dissertation. I was also on the job market to secure a professorship. Initially, things went as planned. I made great progress on my dissertation, while also interviewing at different colleges. However, a month before the birth, I saw the storm clouds forming as I learned I would not be offered a faculty position.

So, with a new marriage and family, I did not know how I would help support them. Couple that disappointment with now feeling the full weight of our student loan debt, I descended into a dark place. The thunder was loud, and the rain was heavy.

These events pushed me inward. Now, instead of focusing on serving my bride, I largely focused on my own emotional needs. I inadvertently forced Aleasha to bear the emotional burden in our family—for years.

Lately, God has used her to open my eyes to my selfishness. Surely, throughout our marriage, the sun peaked through the clouds. But it’s been overcast or raining more than we’d prefer. Still, lessons have been learned, and we strived to be sensitive to God’s will.

Below are two foundational truths God is teaching us that helps make marriages thrive. My hope is they will help you too, especially as you go through life’s hardships.

1. The Holy Spirit, Selfishness, & Serving

Nothing helps grow your character like marriage. But you can’t grow if you aren’t willing to learn from your mistakes. Oftentimes, it is said that marriage is hard—it takes work. But why is it so hard to achieve a good marriage? In his book The Meaning of Marriage, pastor and author Tim Keller made the following observation:

“Any two people who enter into marriage are spiritually broken by sin, which among other things means to be self-centered…As author Denis de Rougemont said, ‘Why should neurotic, selfish, immature people suddenly become angels when they fall in love…?’ That is why a good marriage is more painfully hard to achieve than athletic or artistic prowess. Raw, natural talent does not enable you to play baseball as a pro or write great literature without enduring discipline and enormous work. Why would it be easy to live lovingly and well with another human being in light of what is profoundly wrong with our human nature? Indeed, many people who have mastered athletics and art have failed miserably at marriage. So the Biblical doctrine of sin explains why marriage—more than anything else that is good and important in this fallen world—is so painful and hard.” (p. 40-41)

To mature is to grow away from selfishness. Immaturity, on the other hand, reeks of “Me first.” We all are born self-centered. It is the essence of our sin nature. But marriage cannot bear the weight of self-centeredness and thrive. You must be willing and committed to growing as a person—to maturing—if you want to be successful. Keller put it this way: “If two spouses each say, ‘I’m going to treat my self-centeredness as the main problem in the marriage,’ you have the prospect of a truly great marriage” (p. 65).

Given the pull of your sin nature, it is impossible to truly grow away from selfishness and into a place of serving the other without supernatural help. Why focus on serving the other? What benefit is there for you? Well…happiness. The fulfilling happiness that marriage can bring results from sustained and sacrificial service through the Holy Spirit.

Aleasha recently told me that as I focus on serving her and our kids through catering to their emotional needs over my own, she feels that same bliss she felt in our first year of marriage. Honestly, I feel it too. Despite our debt remaining, I get excited at the thought of spending time with them and serving their needs. It is amazing what happens when you take your focus off you and your problems and place it on others with the intent to make their lives better! Only then can you dance in the rain.

2. Forgiving & Repenting

Failing to sincerely apologize for mistakes or forgiving one another when wronged wreaks havoc on marriages. Because you are flawed, you will need to say sorry to your spouse (perhaps daily) for something you said or did. And because you married a flawed person, you will need to forgive your spouse for something he or she said or did. Both require humility.

But how do you forgive and not hold what your spouse did against him or her? Marriage is a reflection of Christ and the church. If you walk with Christ, it is first through reflecting on the Gospel and remembering that Jesus forgave you for your sins. How could you also not extend that same grace to your spouse? Further, when you ask Jesus to forgive you, he separates you from your sin as far as the east is from the west. In other words, he does not hold a grudge against you. Love does not hold past injuries and hurts against others (see 1 Corinthians 13:5). To do the opposite would eventually dissolve any relationship, not to mention a marriage. If you need some time apart to gather yourself, communicate that with your spouse. But then come back together and do what needs to be done to reconcile.

The Holy Spirit also benefits marriage as he shows you when you are wrong. When Aleasha told me it feels like I suck the air from her and the kids when I walk in the room, it was the Holy Spirit who softened my heart to finally empathize with her. I was heartbroken, which made me want to change. Without the Holy Spirit, however, pride will likely blind you from your wrongdoings and prolong arguments. And that space is prone to unforgiveness, which molds into bitterness, threatening the health of the relationship.

Conclusion

If the Holy Spirit lives in you and your spouse and you allow him to lead your lives, your marriage will thrive as he helps you truly mature past selfishness to serve the other. He will also help keep bitterness away as he shows you both when you’re wrong, opening the door for genuine apologies. Further, as you reflect on the Gospel, this will help you forgive one another to restore the relationship. In Part 2, I will cover several practical truths to go with these foundational truths that help facilitate your happiness in marriage.