9 Ways to Control Sexual Desire

Why control sexual desire? Why not “Do what thou wilt” or live as you please?

Well, how has the latter approach benefited society? Has it led to less broken hearts or more? Has it helped decrease the divorce rate or contribute to it? Does it lead you closer to the one true God, or push you away from him? Has it left you fulfilled?

Controlling immoral sexual desire is worthwhile because it leads to human flourishing. It also pleases God and facilitates your closeness to him. But how do you control sexual desire, particularly if you’re sexually obese, as counselor Milan Yerkovich coined when discussing his book How we love? That is, you fed this desire so much for so long by giving into it that it is now hard to overcome its urges.

A young girl introduced me to sex when I was 6 years old. At 11, some friends introduced me to porn. Although the Lord drew me to himself at 16, I was now a slave to my desires. So, “How can a young person stay pure? By obeying your word” (Psalm 119:9).

Controlling immoral sexual desires begins with obeying the teachings of the Bible over that of the sin nature you inherited from the first man and woman.

Below are some practical tips I’ve used through the years to honor God with my sexuality. I pray they are useful to you as well.

1. Combat rebellious thoughts with scripture

Jesus responded to the tempter with scripture. It’s wise to follow his example. Of course, to respond with scripture, you must first know it. This requires spending regular time in it prayerfully. And over time, the Word sinks into your heart, proving to be a reliable weapon against temptation; as the Psalmist wrote: “I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you” (Psalm 119:11).

So, if a murky pool of lust bubbles up from within you, accompanied with the thought that the waves are too powerful to subdue, you can borrow Paul’s words: “I am no longer obligated to do what my sinful nature urges me to do, because the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead also lives in me. And He gives me the power to not give in” (see Romans 8:11-12).

2. Avoid compromising situations

I learned this lesson the hard way. There was a certain young lady I was seeing when single and in graduate school. We lived in the same apartment complex, so we spent much time with each other. Oftentimes, I went to her place at night to study together or hang out. I told myself that if my passion grew, then I would simply leave her place and go home. But over and over, this current of lust swept me off my feet and I allowed myself to drown in it. Eventually, I realized I could not trust myself to say no. So, I stopped going to her place at night.

The writer of Proverbs asks “Can a man scoop a flame into his lap and not have his clothes catch on fire? Can he walk on hot coals and not blister his feet” (Proverbs 6:27-28)? In other words, can you put yourself in a compromising situation and not give into temptation? Maybe a few times. But how long will that last?

Sometimes, you must take extreme action to avoid sin (see Matthew 5:29-30), whether that is not spending time alone with a romantic interest at night if you're single, installing accountability software on your devices, or not watching that show on Netflix with explicit scenes. Don’t be foolish and underestimate the power of your sin nature.

3. Acknowledge and avoid escape sins

The Christian life is a fight, because God the Father wants you to be more like his Son. That said, he disciplines you and takes you through hardships that oftentimes do not make sense from your vantage point. These experiences are also painful.

The natural response to pain is to seek relief. Healthy relief can include exercise, therapy, listening to music, or laughing with family and friends. Unhealthy relief, though, can come in the form of “escape” sins. Pastor and author Tim Keller defines escape sins in his sermon How to Handle Suffering as those actions you do that you know are wrong, but you do them because they give you a brief high to overcome how bad you feel. Pornography is a common example.

But the most important thing to do during suffering is continuing to obey God and avoid escape sins. As Charles Spurgeon put it “an ounce of sin would hurt you far more than 10 million pounds of suffering.” You cannot learn to grow in deep trust of God without troubles. He wants to cut off those parts of you that are not fruitful or bring the Father glory. But even the best surgeons in the world couldn’t do their work if you’re constantly wiggling on their table, saying don’t do that. Obedience is to stay still.

4. Leverage accountability partners

Sin thrives in darkness. Satan relies on shame and feelings of condemnation to convince you your situation is unique, and you are alone. But being open and honest with godly accountability partners who are strong in this area weakens this tactic.

When I was deep in my struggle against pornography and pre-marital sex, I had guys who gave me the green light to call them at any hour when I felt a strong urge. That support was priceless.

5. Guard your heart

Job promised himself he would not “undress a girl with [his] eyes” (Job 31:1 MSG). Why make this promise?

When I was in college, I listened to Trey Songz a great deal. In turn, my mind was on sex more than it should have been, which made it easier to act on these desires when presented an opportunity.

Job made the promise he did because your actions oftentimes follow what’s in your heart; and this determines your life’s direction. His promise reminds me of “bouncing your eyes,” a practice I learned early in my walk with Christ through the book Every young man’s battle. In short, whenever your eyes land on the provocative parts of a woman’s body, whether in person or on screen, bounce them away immediately. This keeps your mind from playing back those images later like a recorder, leading you down an undesirable path.

6. Do something physically active

In Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, he writes “The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure” (1 Cor. 10:13). One of those ways out can be going to do something physically active, such as playing a sport, running, or lifting weights. Personally, I enjoy playing basketball. Not only is it a great source for cardio and stress relief, but it takes my mind off things, including thoughts that seek to pull me into sexual sin.

7. Spend time with others

God is a community (i.e., Father, Son, and Holy Spirit), and as image bearers we are also called to live in community. Although loneliness is addressed with finding your significance, security, and satisfaction in Christ, a well-adjusted life involves spending quality time with family and friends. Personally, I enjoy playing games like Catch Phrase, dominoes, and Spades. I also enjoy having thought-provoking conversations through questions or shows like Lifetime's Married at First Sight. What are some healthy things you enjoy doing with family and friends?

8. Consider the consequences

What are some of the consequences for not controlling sexual desire? As a Christian, you could distance yourself from God over time, the source of all things good. You would also fail to develop self-control, as you learn to control your body through staying away from sexual sin. In contrast, the more you indulge, the less control you have (see 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5).

A failure to control sexual desire in marriage can lead to decreasing the pleasure you experience while having sex with your spouse, an inability to get aroused, stealing your spouse’s desire due to your excessive drive, or infidelity. It’s ironic too because the pleasure experienced through sexual sin is bland compared to that of healthy sex with one’s spouse.

9. Pray

There will always be temptations to sin (Luke 17:1). But “The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results” (James 5:16). In your fight against sin, keep talking to God. He died to know you intimately in a relationship. So, speak with him honestly and often. Share your frustrations, confusion, weakness, and reliance on him. Personally, I started a prayer journal early in my walk with the Lord because it is easier to express myself through writing. It is special to read back through the years and see how he built my character, carried me through times of weakness, and comforted me when I fell.

In closing

I have come a long way from where I started. I am no longer sexually obese. But I must remain vigilant each day to choose right over wrong. As Paul wrote: “I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us” (Philippians 3:12-14). Be encouraged!