Who comes first your spouse or family?

“I came in America to be a wife to Colt. I want to take care of him. But Debbie doesn’t allow me to do it. So, there is no room for me in the marriage.”

One of our favorite pastimes is watching an episode of TLC’s 90-day Fiancé or Lifetime’s Married at First Sight. We enjoy discussing what went wrong in the relationships we see on screen, why, and who was in the wrong. We also enjoy cheering on the couples who show promise. Watching other couples is thought-provoking and can challenge your own relationship where there is opportunity for growth.

On Season 6 of 90-day Fiancé, Larissa Lima left Brazil to be with software engineer Colt Johnson in Las Vegas. Colt lived with his mother, Debbie, which complicated matters for the couple. Further, upon Larissa’s arrival to America, she immediately complained about Las Vegas, Colt’s house, and Debbie’s food. This did not help in creating a bond between her and Debbie. The bridge burned hotter as Debbie would not grant Larissa access to the joint bank account Debbie shared with Colt to buy a couch. By the time Colt and Larissa married, the bridge between Debbie and Larissa had completely burned down. They did not like each other at all.

In one fight, Debbie kicked Larissa out of the car during a ride home. In response, Larissa wanted Colt to speak to his mother and ask that she respect his wife. But Colt was too attached to his mother to side with Larissa. This infuriated Larissa! She stated “I came in America to be a wife to Colt. I want to take care of him. But Debbie doesn’t allow me to do it. So, there is no room for me in the marriage.” Soon after, Colt and Larissa divorced.

Genesis 2:15-24 explains that men leave their parents and become one with their wives because God made woman from man. Despite the strong bond you may have with family and friends before you marry, that becomes secondary to your spouse after you marry. Pastor and author Tim Keller adds in his book The Meaning of Marriage, “serving your spouse also means showing him or her great respect. It means giving your spouse the confidence that you will always speak up and stand up for him, that you will show loyalty and appreciation for her before other family and friends” (p. 160).

At our wedding, my mother said something to one of our guests that was racially insensitive as well as insulting to Aleasha’s character. Perhaps, she objected to the separation marriage would cause between her and I and lashed out. I’m not sure. But I do know she struggled with respecting my wife.

At that point, Aleasha needed me to speak up for her, to stand by her side. Some context, however: Aleasha and I married after two weeks of getting to know one another. But my mother raised my brother and I alone with only a high school diploma. She endured the stress we put on her through our teenage rebellion years. She also sacrificed so we could eat and have some of the things we wanted. But, despite my deep appreciation for her, Aleasha was now my priority. I knew that if I did not communicate my new loyalty, it could end badly for my new marriage. So, I emphatically told my mother “This is my wife, not my girlfriend. I am not yours anymore. I am married, and you will treat my wife with respect.” I let her know this behavior would not be tolerated.

If you have or are struggling with this dynamic, below are 4 ways to protect your marriage from the negative influence of family and friends:

4 Ways to Protect Your Marriage

1. Limit your time with loved ones who are not in favor of your spouse.

If your family member or friend is unjustified in disliking your spouse, then your time with that person should be limited. Dislike from family and friends is displayed in many ways, from consistent eye rolls in response to your spouse’s comments or a lack of empathy for him or her in general. You must pay attention to these actions of disrespect.

2. Be mindful of who you confide in.

If your loved one ever told you to leave your spouse, you should not confide in that person about your marriage. And if there is a hot topic by which you and your spouse disagree, avoid confiding in loved ones who agree with you, as this can only make the situation worse.

3. Don’t expect unbelievers to understand your efforts toward a biblical marriage.

If you are a believer and you have loved ones who do not submit to the Bible, consider not talking to them about biblical views on marriage, such as mutual submission.

4. Overemphasize the positive when you share, leaving some things left unsaid.

Consider sharing five positive things about your spouse and marriage for every one negative thing you share. But if your loved ones are very protective of you, make sure that what you share is well thought out so they do not get involved. Even still, remember that some things are better left unsaid. You and your spouse should agree on what is appropriate to share with others.

Conclusion

Jesus said “If you love your father or mother more than you love me, you are not worthy of being mine; or if you love your son or daughter more than me, you are not worthy of being mine” (Matthew 10:37). One of the reasons for this statement is because if you love someone more than Jesus, then that person’s influence will be greater over you than his. Similarly, if you love your family and friends more than your spouse, then you give them more influence and your marriage will suffer. The marriage relationship should take precedence over every other relationship in your life, under God of course. If you value your marriage, then show it through making it obvious to everyone who is your priority.